Hives are funny people

Hives are funny people. They can be small, they can be large. They can even run together in a bunch around your legs or your other parts. You never know for sure where they come from, how long they'll stay or where they're going next. You can be sure you're not going to like them. They grow on you, but you never become best friends with them. You'll want to look at them REAL close, to see if there's a spot in the middle or anything strange about them. I don't know why, but you always want to look at them good. Some are pale. They are the lurkers. You really want to keep an eye on those suckers. They turn dark real fast, and when they do LOOK OUT!!! You'll do anything, ANYTHING to stop the itching. Slide on the wall, smack yourself HARD with a wet washcloth, and you'll be amazed at how creative you can get with ointments and home remedies. Lemon juice seemed like a great choice till I put it on my legs. Don't do it child. Just ......don't...... do it! You'd never believe the dance steps a fat white girl with bad knees can do when painted with real lemon juice. It ain't pretty, and it doesn't do a thing. Another thing, you can be sure your Dr. will be on vacation when the hives come to visit. When desperation drives you to the emergency room, you'll want to pick a dark corner of the waiting room to sit yourself and the hives. No one wants to watch! Trust me, you don't want to be in the middle of a good scratch when you become aware of a great looking 25 yr. old guy staring in disgusted disbelief at the back of your leg, which is now above your waist and your foot is curling around your neck. Who knew you could do that? Life becomes one long blurry itch fest. First you try to ignore them. Teeth clenched, you resolve to not pay any attention to them. Everyone tells you it only makes them worse. Where did they get that? Some mothers manual that should have been banned back in the '30's? IT HELPS!!! TRUST ME, IT HELPS!!! Maybe it doesn't stop them, but it helps! At least you're getting some kind of revenge on them. You tear at your flesh till it's raw, you rub cortizone cream, itch stop, calamine lotion and vicks all at once into that son of a gun. No, it still itches, but at least it can't SEE! After your trip to the ER, you must now sit at the drug store and wait for the 3 prescriptions to be filled. Why did you think Vicks would help when it takes the hospital 3 drugs to conquer them? GREAT! you have those prescriptions. You can't wait to take them. What? Not on an empty stomach? RATS! What are those flashing lights? A wreck? The road is totally closed and it's rush hour. Officer, do you see that helicoptor? I need to be evacuated immediately! Medical emergency! Hives. WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT'S NOT AN EMERGENCY!!! LOOK AT THIS!!! IT IS NOT INDECENT EXPOSURE YOU JERK, IT'S HIVES!!!!! After an hour, and a piece of bread not on my diet sheet the pills are down. I kid you not, within 30 minutes they were on the run. Maybe it was the wonderful nerve pills they gave me, but I swear I heard them screaming 'we surrender' as they lost their color and faded into the depths of cellulite, now covered with strawberry bruises. And so another week in the life of a tea damsel ends. Battered and bruised, but always trying to please her loyal customers, she searches her files for yet another recipe they will want to try.